being hungry

is not for the weak….! i’ve been. for a week.

i’ve been hungry this entire week, pretty much. i have no money, so i have no food. i expected lots of money to be coming in last month, but with ongoing debts and a family emergency and my sister’s wedding coming up all the money i earned on top of benefits was quickly spent and am, once again, left destitute, in my freakishly cold home. i say freakish because the floors have heaters and there are times where it does get so hot in the night when the radiator is on but that heat never tends to circulate well once you actually need it to.

either way, i’ve been fine. good, actually: i’ve been seeing a lot of my family which i appreciate a lot, i love them a lot and i don’t feel so lonely these days. once i get home from seeing them or even hearing about their social lives in comparison to mine i recognise my loneliness immediately but i watch enough stuff that it can like. feel like people are here.

i’m writing this quick post today just to touch base and check in somehow. i’ve deleted my other socials because I dunno… i just feel lonely, and hungry, but i don’t want to talk to anyone (that isn’t my family) and funnily enough — i don’t even want to eat, kind of.

i went out to get food with the little money i have (would you believe £4 can’t even get you a meal from morley’s in a cost of living crisis!!!!! unbelievable!!!!!!) last night after i got a phone call i didn’t expect to get and i couldn’t answer lol and yeah i stood there in sainsbury’s, trying to get something, anything, to eat, and. i couldn’t. i didn’t want anything in my mouth, my body, nothing touching me. nothing in or out.

that wasn’t an intense, consuming feeling, like i’m used to having. like i may have mentioned in the previous post i feel well-adjusted and regulated enough that my emotions don’t get that big anymore, and i can move around (and through, yes) them. i just. don’t want to eat.

but i am so hungry.

my stomach is gnawing at me now, while i am typing this. it’s been like this for a week, or maybe more than one now, i’m not sure. i’m rewatching breaking bad though, and god I love this show so. much. besides, grandma is finally back at home so i’m going to visit once my mom gets there too, to help her get settled back in. here’s hoping there will be some food.

but yeah, i’m doing okay. since i’m not feeling to talk to anybody, may as well say on here for those who care — i’m doing alright. i’m just hungry.

yeah. strange post, i know. bye